Losing My 3rd Dog During the Pandemic

One month ago, my family had to put our 1 yr-old German Sheperd, Bentley to sleep because of his "cluster" seizures. The more he had seizures, the more they were damaging his health, they caused panic attacks for me and stress and worry to my parents. Bentley was so full of life, love, cuddles, excitement and playfulness.

It was emotionally and mentally hard to say goodbye, missing his pure excitement when I came in the door or when one of his favorite people came to visit. It was hard seeing all his toys, treats, dog food, water bowls and his collar/leash laying around. It was hard to really be at home alone, knowing for a year that he was always there bothering me, laying beside my feet, licking or nudging me to play with him. We all missed his presence around the house, I took a week, maybe two to grieve. It was at the point I decided I wasn't going to welcome a new dog for a while.

I have come to terms with how much work, how much love, how much care, how much money, how much time, how much stress and anxiousness it takes to take care of a dog and I'm good on that for a while. I've had 4 dogs throughout half of my life, it's exhausting yet rewarding. Having a dog is full of love, happiness, attentiveness, however it's full of worry, financially stressful, and emotionally, physically, and mentally draining when you don't know how to help them when their illness/health conditions are out of your control.

I can't handle losing another pet of mine, I've had to say goodbye to 3 of my babies in one year. I remember crying a lot, feeling extremely overwhelmed, hurt, confused, sad, anxious and constantly thinking "Why is this happening to me, 3 dogs in 1 year, what is Black Jesus trying to tell or show me?!" I spent many showers, many nights, many moments in my car, and many breaks at work crying alone to release the hurt I felt and trying to release feelings of helplessness and loss of control.

There was nothing I could do to help Bentley, he was going through something internally and we couldn't see how to help him get better nor really relate to what his body was experiencing. We researched, watched videos, consulted with Vets and spent an abundance of money trying to figure out the best ways to remedy his seizures, but there was nothing more we could for him and realizing that was very rough.

After many pep-talks with family, friends, and Dre, I had to begin wrapping my head around the fact that Bentley was no longer having seizures, that he was okay. Bentley was very loved and cared for and I had to reassure myself that he had a great life, that I'd done all I could do, my parents too. I had to relive the special, funny, happy moments we had during walks, him waking me up in the mornings or throughout the night, how my boyfriend Dre and I spent a lot of time training him and how smart and happy he was. I remember going through old videos and scrolling through images of him and remembering the good. I felt grateful we got to spend every single day of his life together for that year and that he got to touch and bond with so many dogs, friends, and family.

Now, his ashes lay in a beautiful and engraved wooden urn, next to my other dog and his first friend, Pheobe, with clay molds of their pawprints on the tv stand. Every day, before I leave home for work, I say "Hi doggies, we love you and miss you dearly" and each day I pray for all the dogs to watch over everyone and hope that they are enjoying doggy Heaven. They all are extremely missed (Roxy, Pheobe, and Bentley).

They have left their pawprints and love in all of our hearts. I am grateful to have been a Dog Mom for half my life. I am fully aware that I can end up taking better of them than I do myself, however, I have been dedicated to this life for so long that I now know that it's too much for me handle again, anytime soon. I know that Dre will want another dog, he had to put his puppy Prince to sleep over a year ago as well, so I know I can't deny him that knowing how much we both love dogs. I'm just not ready to through all that again and he knows this. Who knows, 2-5 years from now, we could have a new fur-baby, but for now I can't handle that.