Feeling Like Your Relationship is a Carousel Ride

The past 4 months has been an emotional roller coaster and each week has felt like we're back at square one after talking about change, coming up with strategies, miscommunicating and being upset. Soon after that occurs, it's the being rude, be in our feelings, shutting down and reverting back to the ways we said we'd work to change.

The feelings of exhaustion, continued strategies not working, communication issues not letting up, assumptions, blow-ups is draining. You start taking things on the chin because you love your partner, letting certain comments or actions slide, then comments and actions become irrational and out of character. We push all that down or we try to get over them but they never quite go away because they made us feel a way.

When we're good, communication goes well, we listen to each other, we let go of things quicker, focus on ourselves (goals, wants, desires), everything feels like rainbows and sunshine. When things go bad, a comment or action is taken out of context, we hang on to something that happened and it only returns to the surface when were mad at each other Protecting our own energy turns into completely shutting each other out and refusing to care about each other's feelings. All the good vibes and all the positive strategies go out the window.

Things tend to take a turn for the worse and become toxic where we're listening but not truly hearing each other, saying passive aggressive low-blow comments in efforts to get an emotional response out of each other, shutting down and deflecting or avoiding confrontation so we sugar coat things or hide our true feelings making it harder instead of easier to communicate effective, positively, respectfully, and compassionately.

Recently, I tried something different, asking questions specifically about our relationship from a check-in standpoint, because Dre mentioned that I don't ask them enough. I read a few articles on sugar coating things with your partner vs being brutally honest when your partner may not like what you have to say even though they need to hear it.

Sugar coating is not a good thing, "sugar coating" is when you'd rather tell your partner the nice version of your feelings because you don't think they're emotionally stable or mature to handle the truth and you don't want to hurt their feelings, so you think that you're saving their feelings. According to a few articles, as partners, it's important to want to learn and grow from the truth rather than thinking things are sweet when they really aren't. This is something I am learning myself, however I don't want us to get to the point of not caring at all about how we speak to each other, that's never okay.

In addition, other articles stated that couples can be honest without being rude or disrespectful, that it's important to carve out quality time to have difficult conversations. Tough conversations can be discussed at appropriate times during one-on-one moments, and that it's important to keep compassion and understanding in mind while talking to one another even when we disagree (we've been doing this part all year and it sucks).

Having conversations in the heat of the moment isn't a good thing because they can be fueled by negativity and go downhill from there. It's important to take time to cool off before things get intensely heated and before disrespecting and hurting each other's feelings occurs. The articles discussed honesty coming from a place of love and support not from a place of judgement or anger because during conversation, your partner will always remember how a conversation made them feel.

It's important to focus on empathy and compassion, things between Dre and I have lacked both of those things. It's been flip flops of energy, feelings, and emotions so much to the point that we'll soak in our feelings and we can't step or see outside of them which shows up negatively in our actions and responses. We don't put ourselves in each other's shoes as much as we should and we blame one another for ending up back to square one. Things become "tit-for-tat" or point the finger. We feel we can't do anything right or say anything right without there being issues that follow.

It's always what one person did or said over the other with little accountability for the actions, reactions and responses that have taken place. Whenever we do call each other out, it doesn't end well either. Words can hurt, being too honest can hurt and it's not just about changing perspective or rising above things, the issues derive from the things that aren't discussed and the negative ways of how those things come to the surface.

I used to believe it's not what someone says, it's how they say it, but no that is no longer the case, it's definitely what they said and how they say it because that's what makes you feel something, believe something, take something the wrong way, take something the right way, it changes the way you think, feel, believe, trust and care with your partner.

I hate feeling like our 3 year relationship is a roller coaster ride that doesn't end. It sucks to always end up right back at square 1, it sucks to feel like nothing we talk about works, it sucks to feel like we've come so far but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting further away.

I know we have a long way to go, however it's going to take a lot more love, work, care, compassion and empathy. I believe it's going to take more feeling and remembering that we're on the same team, that we only want each other to grow and succeed, and that we can't control things we can't control.

We can't keep holding each other to unknown expectations, we can't keep expecting each other to just know what each other feels or thinks, and that we'll notice all the signs that something's wrong automatically. We can't keep going how we've been going, it isn't healthy and that's why we've decided to look into couples therapy.